The things they say... 


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 “The mobile phone company and
the double glazing company are
talking to each other!”




Some answering machine messages:


“Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her DVD player deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls.   If you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.”


“Hi, this is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologise for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else. (Will be automatically deleted!)  Thanks.”


“Starship Enterprise, Uhura here.  Can you hold please?  Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away.”


“Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...  I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.”


Name and address supplied




“If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent” – Wayne, aged 7.


“Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily.  She's not my friend no more” – Kylie, aged 6.


“I like mermaids.  They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.  How do mermaids get pregnant?” – Helen, aged 6.


“Some fish are dangerous.  Jellyfish can sting.  Electric eels can give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers” – Christopher, aged 7.


Caroline Walker




Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be.


A Frenchman with a parrot on his shoulder walked into a bar.  The bartender said:” “Wow, that’s really great.  Where did you get him?”  “In France”, the parrot replied.  “There’s millions of them over there.”


Why do they lock the doors on petrol station toilets?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?


Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian been and on your way home buying an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab and watch shows made in America on a Japanese-made television.


I told my wife: “Just so that you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine and fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

She promptly unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.


“Why do I call my dog Blacksmith?  Every time I have a visitor, he makes a bolt for the door.”






“I don’t need a helmet….”

“Did you hear something?”

“I’m sure it was this way.”

“No reason for that.  I know where every crevasse is….”

“Let’s go for the top; we’ll get back before it gets dark….”


Jennifer Stewart


<make as panel>




It takes less than a minute.  Work this out as you read.  Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it’s fun.

1 First, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (More than once but less than 10)

2 Multiply this number by 2

3 Add 5

4 Multiply it by 50

5 If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758... If you haven’t, add 1757.

6 Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three-digit number.  The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)  The next two numbers are your age!


Courtesy Cosmopolitan


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