THEY WALK AMONG US

 

Beg, Borrow or Steal (BBC2)

 

Jamie Theakston:  “Where do you think Cambridge University is?”

Contestant: “Geography isn't my strong point.”

Theakston:  “There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: “Leicester.”

 

BBC Norfolk

 

Stewart White: “Who had a world-wide hit with What a Wonderful World?”

Contestant: “I don't know.”

White: “I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?”

Contestant : “Arm.”

White: “Correct. And if you're not weak, you’re...?”

Contestant: “Strong.”

White: “Correct.  And what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?”

Contestant: “Louis.”

White: “Well, there we are then. So who had a world-wide hit with the song What a Wonderful World?”

Contestant: “Frank Sinatra?”

 

Late Show (BBC Midlands)

 

Alex Trelinski: “What is the capital of Italy?”

Contestant: “France.”

Trelinski: “France is another country.  Try again.”

Contestant: “Oh, um, Benidorm.”

Trelinski: “Wrong, sorry.  Let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?”

Contestant: “Sorry, I don't know.”

Trelinski: “Just guess a country then.”

Contestant: “Paris.”

 

The Weakest Link (BBC2)

 

Anne Robinson: “Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison or the Conservative Party?”

Contestant: “The Conservative Party.”

 

 

GWR FM (Bristol)

 

Presenter: “What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?”

Contestant: “I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.”

 

Lincs FM phone-in

 

Presenter: “Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?”

Contestant: “Barcelona.”

Presenter: “I was really after the name of a country.”

Contestant: “I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.”

 

Name and address supplied

 

 

SLEEPY HEAD

 

I’ve got a time machine and it’s called a bed.  I get in and shut my eyes.  When I open them I find that I’ve travelled into the future — sometimes it’s the next day.  Unreal.

 

Name and address supplied

 

 

FROG OR PRINCESS

 

Crossing the road one day, a man hears a frog calling to him: “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

The man puts the frog into his pocket…and the frog says: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are.”

The man ignores this…and the frog says: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I will stay with you for a year and do anything you want.”

Again, the man just smiles at the frog before returning it to his pocket.

Finally, the frog says: “What’s wrong?  I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful princess and offered to do anything you want.  Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man says: “I’m a computer programmer.  I’ve no interest in a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

 

Courtesy of GQ magazine

 

 

HAVING A BALL

 

Netballers make passes in three seconds

 

Car sticker

 

 

PHONE TAPPING

 

“We have the lowest flat rate prices and you don’t have to top up on the last Friday of every month while tapping your head and rubbing your stomach.”

 

Craig Thirkell, buying manager of Asda Mobile, quoted in Mobile News

 

 

WHAT MONEY BUYS

 

A businessman came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his five-year-old son waiting him at the door.

Son: “Daddy, can I ask you a question?”

Dad: “Yes, what it is?”

Son: “How much do you earn in an hour?”

Dad, angrily: “That's none of your business.”

Son: “Please tell me.”

Dad: “I earn £40 an hour.”

Son: “Daddy, may I please borrow £20?”

Dad, angily: “If the only reason you asked me is so you can borrow some money to buy some silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.  Think about why you are being so selfish.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.  After about an hour, having calmed down, the man started to think.  Maybe there was something he really needed with the £20.  So he went to his son’s room.

Dad: “I've been thinking…maybe I was too hard on you earlier.  It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you.  Here’s the £20 you asked for.”

Son: “Oh, thank you daddy!”

Then the little boy reached under his pillow and brought out some crumpled banknotes. Dad, angrily: “Why do you want more money if you already have some?”

Son: “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I have.  Daddy, I have £40.  Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”

 

Name and address supplied

 

 

THE LOVING HUSBAND

 

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final and as he sat down another man arrived and asked if anyone was sitting in the next seat.

First man: “No, the seat is empty.”

Second man: “This is incredible!  Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”

First man: “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.  My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.  This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.”

Second man: “Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.  I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour, to take the seat?”

First man, shaking his head: “No. They're all at the funeral.”

                              

Name and address supplied

 

 

COMPUTER CALL

 

Caller: “My keyboard isn’t working.”

Helpdesk: “Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?”

Caller: “No.  I can’t get behind the computer.”

Helpdesk: “Pick up your keyboard and walk back 10 paces.”

Caller: “OK.”

Helpdesk: “Did the keyboard come with you?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Helpdesk: “That means that the keyboard is not plugged in.  Is there another keyboard?”

Caller: “Yes, there is another one here.  Ah…that one does work!”

 

Name and address supplied

 

 

Economic models explained with cows

 

Socialism

You have two cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

 

Communism

You have two cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

Fascism

You have two cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

Nazism

You have two cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

 

Bureaucratism

You have two cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

 

Traditional capitalism

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

 

Surrealism

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

An American corporation

You have two cows.

You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

 

Enron venture capitalism

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

The public then buys your bull.

 

A French corporation

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A Japanese corporation

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called “Cowkimon” and market it world-wide.

 

A German corporation

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

An Italian corporation

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A Russian corporation

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have two cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A Swiss corporation

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A Chinese corporation

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

A British corporation

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

An Australian corporation

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

Brian Robinson