The things they say...


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Teacher: “Maria, go to the map and find North America.”

Maria: “Here it is.”

Teacher: “Correct.  Now class, who discovered America?”

Class: “Maria.”


Teacher: “Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’”

Glenn: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A L.”

Teacher: “No, that’s wrong.”

Glenn: “Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.”

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?”

Donald: “H I J K L M N O.”

Teacher: “What are you talking about?”

Donald: “Yesterday you said it’s H to O.”


Teacher: “Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have 10 years ago.”

Winnie: “Me!”


Teacher: “Glen, why do you always get so dirty?”

Glen: “Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.”


Teacher: “Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’”

Millie: “I is.. .”

Teacher: “No, millie.....always say, ‘I am.’”

Millie: “All right...‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”


Teacher: “Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.  Did you copy his?”

Clyde: “No, sir. It’s the same dog.”


Teacher: “Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”

Harold: “A teacher.”


Jack Forde





Reproduction is Fun, by Paul Smith (Routledge & Kegan Paul)




Man Walks into a Bar 2, Jonathan Swan (Ebury Press)




Wife: “If I died, would you get married again?”

Husband: “I don’t see why not.  Our marriage has been a happy one and you’d want me to be happy again, wouldn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes, I suppose.  If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?”

Husband: “I suppose I would.  After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours.”

Wife: “Darling, would you let her wear my shoes?”

Husband: “Yes, and for the same reason.  It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes.”

Wife: “Darling, would you let her use my new golf clubs?”

Husband: “Of course not, she’s left-handed.”


Celebrities My ----, by Ricky Tomlinson (Sphere)




After digging to a depth of 100m, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1,000 years and concluded that their ancestors had a telephone network.

Not to be outdone, American scientists dug down 200m and newspapers reported: “US scientists have found traces of 2,000-year-old optical fibres and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1,000 years earlier than the Russians.”

One week later, the Scottish press reported: “After digging as deep as 500m, Scottish scientists have found absolutely nothing.  They have concluded that 5,000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones.”


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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she’d got on her weekend drive to the cost.  She drove down in a convertible but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”


When we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain, my friend said: “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?”  I explained that a persons nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.


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