The things they say...
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BAR NONE
Past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Luke Budka
TopLine Communications
JOKES FROM THE FRINGE
A selection of jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:
“Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge?”
Dan Antopolski
“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’”
Paddy Lennox
“I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they’re up where they belong.”
Sarah Millican
“I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead. Just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall
“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble”.
Rhod Gilbert
“I’m on the cusp of getting married. Well, I’m engaged to be harassed.”
Tom Wrigglesworth
“My mind is like a cement mixer. It’s grey, thick and always moving.”
Celia Pacquola
“A brunette, a red-head and a blonde break out of Holloway Prison. They hide in a barn from the police and get into some sacks. The police come in and feel the sack with the brunette in it; she goes ‘miaow’! They go on to feel the sack with the redhead in it; she goes ‘woof!’ Finally, they feel the sack with the blonde in it. The blonde shouts: ‘potatoes!’”
Denise Van Outen
Reported by the TV channel, Dave, and recommended by James Warnette
LIFE LIKE
In an out-of-court deal, a games company has paid $23m and reclassified a video game which inadvertently contained a sex scene. One comment on a news web site said: “God forbid my children ever played a game with an ounce of sex in it. I’d much rather they chop people’s heads off and shoot people in the face with a shotgun. That is far more relevant to real life.”
Name and details supplied
QUIET QUIP
Four monks decided to meditate silently for two weeks. By nightfall on the first day, the candle began to flicker and went out.
First monk: “Oh, no. The candle is out.”
Second monk: “Aren’t we supposed not to talk?”
Third monk: “Will you two just shut up?”
Fourth monk, laughing: “Ha, suckers! I’m the only one who didn’t speak.”
Name and details supplied
DON’T GO THERE
True (allegedly) complaints from holidaymakers:
“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
“We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
“The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers; will we be OK staying here?”
“I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
“It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
“I was bitten by a mosquito; no-one said they could bite.”
“We booked an excursion to the water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
“We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
“My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room and we were place in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the rooms that we booked.”
After a holiday in Spain: “There were too many Spanish people. The receptionist spoke Spanish. The food Spanish. Too many foreigners.”
John Caton
PIZZA PUZZLE
While working in a pizza parlour, a man ordered a small pizza to take away, He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into four pieces or six. The customer thought about it for some time before saying: “Just cut it into four pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat six.”
Name and details supplied
CAR STICKERS
I wouldn’t touch the metric system with a 3.048 metre pole
There’s no future in time travel
Ssssh, The driver is sleeping
Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no
I brake for no apparent reason
Spell-checker are hear two stay
If you can read this, I’ve lost my caravan
Today is the day for decisive action. Or is it?
So many pedestrians, so little time
Name and details supplied
MISCELLANY
“Marriages don’t last. When I meet a man, the first question I ask myself is: ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’”
Rita Rudner
A collie went to the job centre to look for work and the man behind the desk said: “A talking dog. I’ll fix you up with a job in no time.” After making a call, he said: “There you are, you start at the circus on Monday.”
“That’s no good,” said the dog. “I’m a plumber.”
“Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by peole you wouldn’t have in your home.”
Sir David Frost
“I’m the only man who has a marriage licence mad out to ‘To whom it may concern’”
Mickey Rooney
Demonstrating a new army computer, an officer keyed in: “How far is it from these barracks to the coast?”
Computer: “Seven hundred.”
Officer: “Seven hundred what?”
Computer: “Seven hundred, sir.”