HEADS UP
Some of the entries for the Headline of the Year competition run by the magazine for journalists, Press Gazette.
Rachael Weisz praised for her performance in A Streetcar Named Desire (The London Paper): WEISZ AFTER THE EVENT
A farmer has been given £500,000 to turn pig muck into electricity (Metro): AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO SPARK IT
A new anklet device used in America can alert the authorities if alcohol-related offenders have breached bail conditions banning them from drinking (New Scientist): THE ELECTRONIC FINK THAT WILL SQUEAL IF YOU DRINK
Veteran players to take part in a tennis competition (Great Western Trains passenger magazine): OLD BOYS’ NET WORK
Courtesy Press Gazette
MISCELLANY
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue
What happens when you play a country record backwards? You get your wife back, your house back and your truck back.
Doctor: “Do you remember your husbnad’s last words before the paralysis overcame him?”
Wife: “Oh, yes. He said: ‘I wonder how they can make a profit selling this red salmon at 99 pence a can.’”
Why do Gillette make their deodorant look so similar to their shaving gel? Nearly sprayed myself in the eye…again.
Patient: “Why do I keep dreaming about my eyes changing colour?”
Doctor: “Don’t worry. It’s just a pigment of your imagination.”
Bank robber: “Give me all your money, or you’ll be geography.”
Cashier, laughing: “Don’t you mean history?”
Robber: “Don’t change the subject.”
Wealthy investor: “I would like to speak to Mr ---, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”
Bank manager: “Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him”
Caller: “My keyboard is not working.”
Helpdesk: “Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?”
Caller: “No. I can’t get behind the computer.”
Helpdesk: “Pick up your computer and walk 10 paces back.”
Caller: “OK.”
Helpdesk: “Did the keyboard come with you?”
Caller: “Yes”
Helpdesk: “That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?”
Caller: “Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work.”
Names and addresses supplied
COMICAL COUNCIL QUERIES I
Allerdale Borough Council, based in Workington, Cumbria, whose call centre took just over 64,000 calls last year, has published its top five extraordinary enquiries:
A customer who was helping a relative
clear out their house said: “They've kept newspaper by the fireplace that has
turned yellow and they’ve put it in the paper bin – is that ok?” (Answer:
Yes) “And there are bits of toe nails and skin in there – is that ok too?”
Caller:
“There are some sheep on the road near Embleton, can you give me the name of
the farmer they belong to?”
Customer service advisor, taking a customer’s credit card payment::
“Can I take the name on the card?” Customer: “Marks and Spencer.”
Resident:
“I'm moving into a house and the previous owner had cats in the house.
Someone told me the council can put a bomb in it.”
Customer service advisor:
“Your payment has been accepted, would you like to make a note of your
receipt number?” Customer: “Yes please.” Advisor:
“OK, it is: ‘YY…’” Customer (bursting into song): “Why, why, why
Delilah?”
Allerdale Borough Council
COMICAL COUNCIL QUERIES II
A caller to Sutton Council, Surrey, found her car in a different parking place when she returned from a shopping trip and asked if the car park was haunted. Officials viewed the CCTV footage and found that the car had rolled to a different parking bay because the motorist had failed to apply the handbrake properly.
Other calls included:
“How long can I safely store ginger powder?”
“Can I put a dead fox in my recycling bin?"
“Do you know where I could get an old bath that I could fill with custard for a fundraising event?”
“Can I park a double decker bus in my front garden?”
“What time is Buckingham Palace open today?”
Sutton Borough Council
NEW MEANINGS
Each year, The Washington Post runs a neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
Here are some of the winners:
Coffee
the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted appalled over how much weight you have gained
Abdicate to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
Esplanade to attempt an explanation while drunk
Negligent a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your
nightgown
Lymph to walk with a lisp
Gargoyle olive-flavoured mouthwash
Flatulence emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by
a steamroller
Balderdash a rapidly receding hairline.
The Washington Post